My kids are 35, 33, and 30. Having adult kids who you love and respect and who you can laugh with more than anyone: there's nothing better than that for my wife and me.
As for cognitive challenges, being a parent is the most challenging thing I will ever do in my life.
It's inevitable that all parents will see parenting through the lens of their own parenting experience. But I question whether non-parents are able to write insightfully about parenthood. Perhaps there are people who can, but it's hard to grant that as anything more than an exception that proves a rule.
Personally, I found parenting both a joy and fun. It was a joy to see them grow and develop, and it was fun to play with them, to escort them while they explored the world, to develop shared experiences and memes, to discuss interesting topics.
I suspect that a lot of parents believe they have to basically pour every ounce of themselves into 'enriching' their children's lives. And if they put 100% of their energy into enrichment, well then of course they're not having fun.
In all honesty, putting that much time and energy into enrichment is probably counterproductive. The kids are probably worse off than they would be if they were given plenty of space to figure out their own interests.
In my experience, toddlers have an uncanny power to rename everything and everyone. My mother got to live her last couple years with a completely different name than she (or anyone for that matter) had used for the previous 60+, and she couldn't have been more delighted about it.
I think the privilege aspect of the whole to be or not to be a parent argument is a huge one--and not to be diminished for younger people still stuck in their ambivalence. The world, especially when understood through the distorted lens of mainstream media, can seem terrifying. Marginalized people of all kinds, perhaps especially those with the capacity to engage in this discourse (which, because of the trauma inherent in their experiences, may be quite a small subset), have every right to feel defensive and every reason to be confused. Even if a person just grew up poor and wants a different life than what was given them as kids--becoming a parent is a very real obstacle to accomplishing that goal. The impact of trauma on each person’s worldview is profound.
That said, even though I can’t relate to much of the experiences you’ve described before becoming a mother, I wholeheartedly agree with your perspective. I grew up super poor and in severe trauma. On top of an entire childhood of very serious abuse, I went through medical trauma at 17 years old, after which my surgeon gently warned me I would likely never be able to conceive. For me, that was heartbreaking news.
And then, after believing for a solid decade that I would never be able to get pregnant, I found out I was—but only after a super nasty breakup with my baby’s dad a couple months before. It was one of the most terrifying decisions of my life, but I decided to keep my baby. My son (who is ten now) has been the absolute light and love of my life. He has motivated me to do every hard thing, has taught me every important lesson, and has been THE key to unlocking the cage of abuse and intergenerational trauma I’d been locked in since my own birth.
When the smartest and most wonderful women I know tell me they aren’t sure they want kids, I never want to diminish the very good reasons I know they have. But I never want fear to rob them of this incredible Love, which is deeper, freer, and more transformationally profound than anything else I’ve ever known.
A thing that I don't see mentioned (by you, I mean...haven't read the other article yet!) is the experience of parents who don't have healthy or otherwise typical children. I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes at age 4 (in the 80's, so there wasn't nearly as much technology as there is now!) She never said as much, but I suspect my mother didn't particularly enjoy raising a chronically ill child.
I never had kids of my own, but my fiancé has two boys, 11 and 14, both Autistic. They live with us full-time, and there is nothing fun about raising them. It's constant worry, constant stress, constantly having an adolescent boy screaming in my face and threatening to punch me, etc.
Having a perfectly healthy baby/child might be a joy, but there are so many parents out there for whom having kids just kind of sucks.
Very true. Money also never came up, and a lot of people are choosing not to have children because they feel like they can't afford it. Having a child is expensive.
Good read! My wife and I had children in our mid-30's and they are not 8 & 10. I like how you take your kids everywhere for new experiences. We took our kids to as many places as possible and tried emphasize that instead of accumulating the material things like toys, clothes, games, etc. we will try to engage them with the world for new experiences (Hawaii, Yosemite, Boston, Asheville, Charleston, countless beach trips, Acadia, an on and on). Yes, they drive me crazy but it's so worth it.
I can't imagine a greater joy (and fun) than being the husband and father I get to be thanks to the woman who inexplicably still chooses me. Granted, I never had Big Plans that could displace the central role of my family in my life. Just not that kind of guy, I guess.
My kids are 35, 33, and 30. Having adult kids who you love and respect and who you can laugh with more than anyone: there's nothing better than that for my wife and me.
As for cognitive challenges, being a parent is the most challenging thing I will ever do in my life.
It's inevitable that all parents will see parenting through the lens of their own parenting experience. But I question whether non-parents are able to write insightfully about parenthood. Perhaps there are people who can, but it's hard to grant that as anything more than an exception that proves a rule.
Personally, I found parenting both a joy and fun. It was a joy to see them grow and develop, and it was fun to play with them, to escort them while they explored the world, to develop shared experiences and memes, to discuss interesting topics.
I suspect that a lot of parents believe they have to basically pour every ounce of themselves into 'enriching' their children's lives. And if they put 100% of their energy into enrichment, well then of course they're not having fun.
In all honesty, putting that much time and energy into enrichment is probably counterproductive. The kids are probably worse off than they would be if they were given plenty of space to figure out their own interests.
I like that you mention "shared memes" with your kids. I have a few inside jokes already with my two-year-old, and it's the coolest.
In my experience, toddlers have an uncanny power to rename everything and everyone. My mother got to live her last couple years with a completely different name than she (or anyone for that matter) had used for the previous 60+, and she couldn't have been more delighted about it.
I think the privilege aspect of the whole to be or not to be a parent argument is a huge one--and not to be diminished for younger people still stuck in their ambivalence. The world, especially when understood through the distorted lens of mainstream media, can seem terrifying. Marginalized people of all kinds, perhaps especially those with the capacity to engage in this discourse (which, because of the trauma inherent in their experiences, may be quite a small subset), have every right to feel defensive and every reason to be confused. Even if a person just grew up poor and wants a different life than what was given them as kids--becoming a parent is a very real obstacle to accomplishing that goal. The impact of trauma on each person’s worldview is profound.
That said, even though I can’t relate to much of the experiences you’ve described before becoming a mother, I wholeheartedly agree with your perspective. I grew up super poor and in severe trauma. On top of an entire childhood of very serious abuse, I went through medical trauma at 17 years old, after which my surgeon gently warned me I would likely never be able to conceive. For me, that was heartbreaking news.
And then, after believing for a solid decade that I would never be able to get pregnant, I found out I was—but only after a super nasty breakup with my baby’s dad a couple months before. It was one of the most terrifying decisions of my life, but I decided to keep my baby. My son (who is ten now) has been the absolute light and love of my life. He has motivated me to do every hard thing, has taught me every important lesson, and has been THE key to unlocking the cage of abuse and intergenerational trauma I’d been locked in since my own birth.
When the smartest and most wonderful women I know tell me they aren’t sure they want kids, I never want to diminish the very good reasons I know they have. But I never want fear to rob them of this incredible Love, which is deeper, freer, and more transformationally profound than anything else I’ve ever known.
A thing that I don't see mentioned (by you, I mean...haven't read the other article yet!) is the experience of parents who don't have healthy or otherwise typical children. I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes at age 4 (in the 80's, so there wasn't nearly as much technology as there is now!) She never said as much, but I suspect my mother didn't particularly enjoy raising a chronically ill child.
I never had kids of my own, but my fiancé has two boys, 11 and 14, both Autistic. They live with us full-time, and there is nothing fun about raising them. It's constant worry, constant stress, constantly having an adolescent boy screaming in my face and threatening to punch me, etc.
Having a perfectly healthy baby/child might be a joy, but there are so many parents out there for whom having kids just kind of sucks.
Very true. Money also never came up, and a lot of people are choosing not to have children because they feel like they can't afford it. Having a child is expensive.
Good read! My wife and I had children in our mid-30's and they are not 8 & 10. I like how you take your kids everywhere for new experiences. We took our kids to as many places as possible and tried emphasize that instead of accumulating the material things like toys, clothes, games, etc. we will try to engage them with the world for new experiences (Hawaii, Yosemite, Boston, Asheville, Charleston, countless beach trips, Acadia, an on and on). Yes, they drive me crazy but it's so worth it.
I can't imagine a greater joy (and fun) than being the husband and father I get to be thanks to the woman who inexplicably still chooses me. Granted, I never had Big Plans that could displace the central role of my family in my life. Just not that kind of guy, I guess.